


Cafuné

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [7]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Cashton, Depression, Falling In Love, Femininity, Feminization, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Mild Smut, Sad Calum, Teen Angst, Unsupportive family, cross-dressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 06:53:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2260062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Calum remembers crying and hiding his face in his hands, and he remembers how Michael gently but firmly pulled his hands away, kissed the scars on his wrists (but not his thighs because "<i>dude, I don't swing that way</i>"), and then offered to paint Calum's nails with this lilac coloured nail varnish that he'd got from <i>somewhere</i>.'</p><p>
  <b>Calum only ever wanted to look pretty and Ashton fell in love with the shy, quiet boy in the pink t-shirt who played bass in their new band.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cafuné

**Author's Note:**

> Blame this picture of Ash and Cal for me writing this fic: http://favim.com/image/881592/  
> I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.  
> Also, I listened to "Beside You", "End Up Here", "Long Way Home", "Heartbreak Girl"... and "Bad Dreams" obviously :) You could listen while you read too if you want - "Heartbreak Girl" most I think :)  
> Enjoy hopefully!  
> *hides*

**cafuné**

_the act of tenderly running one's fingers through a lover's hair_

 

Calum Hood has kind of always liked soft things.

He remembers how Mali had this furry jacket thing when they were kids. She'd worn it every single day for about two months before she'd suddenly decided that it wasn't really her anymore. She'd been all set to throw it out but Calum had swiped it from the bag of stuff headed for the charity shop because it just looked _so_ soft and it was all Calum wanted in the world.

(He remembers snuggling down in bed wearing it every night until it was too small for him, and then he folded it up neatly and kept it under his pillow where he could stroke it while he was in bed.)

Calum remembers _really_ loving how soft it was.

He remembers how he loved stroking his next door neighbour's cat and the soft lining of his mum's jacket and how he _really_ loved the intro to this programme Mali liked watching because even the _music_ sounded soft and Calum thought that was really beautiful.

He remembers when his mum sat him and Mali down at the kitchen table to do arts and crafts one day in an attempt to keep them occupied while their dad fixed the fence in the back garden.

Calum remembers how his mum gave Mali the pink card and the glitter and the pretty feathers, and how Calum got given the blue card and the racing car stickers and the shiny silver paper.

Calum remembers being really sad about that and only smiling when Mali noticed and offered to share the beautifully-coloured feathers with him. (Calum remembers _beaming_ because they were so soft and stealing a few to decorate his bedroom with.)

Calum remembers not seeing the worried expression on his mum's face or the dark look crossing his dad's face.

Calum was only focused on the soft, pretty things in front of him.

The blue card and the racing car stickers were largely ignored. 

*

Calum started to realise that maybe he wasn't ' _normal_ ' when he started primary school.

While all of the other boys his age preferred getting muddy and having food fights with their friends, Calum remembers how he preferred to sit by himself and draw or read while he fiddled with a soft length of pink ribbon he had found in the box of Christmas decorations one year.

Calum remembers spending a lot of time alone as a kid.

And sure, Calum liked to play football and stuff - he's actually pretty good at it, even if the dirt and the ugly uniforms bothered him - but he remembers how being told you're the best at something by the teacher _and_ being labelled as ' _different_ ' didn't exactly help him gain any friends.

(Calum is still bitter about that, even now, and he thinks he might always feel like that.)

Calum remembers when they stopped calling him ' _different_ ' and started calling him ' _freak_ ' instead.

He remembers how he tried to brush it off at first, spent most of his time at school outside of lessons hiding in the library and doodling or finishing his homework because it was too risky to bring the magazines he loved so much to school with him now.

Calum remembers how his mum and dad put their foot down at home. While they might have been prepared to turn a blind eye at Mali's old jacket or the soft scraps of material Calum ferreted away to stroke when he was sad or stressed, or just craving something _soft_ , they weren't so lenient when they found out that Mali had given Calum one of her old pink lip balms.

Calum remembers how happy he'd been when she'd given it to him, how he'd beamed at her and begged her to teach him how to put it on properly. He remembers her grinning at him and giving him a _real_ makeover, and Calum remembers never having been that happy in his whole entire _life_ before.

Calum remembers when he stopped being happy all together.

Mali was older by then and spent a lot more time out with her college friends, and Calum remembers that she'd told her little brother to stay out of her room. Calum remembers how she'd got furious with him for stealing some of her clean clothes and trying them on while she was out after school, and Calum remembers the tears rolling down his cheeks because there was something _wrong_ with him, something _broken_ inside him.

Calum remembers how his dad told him that so much that he started to believe it, and Calum remembers how his mum didn't say anything at all.

Calum remembers when he started to need something hard and cold and _sharp_ instead of soft. He remembers how the blades running across his thighs and wrists were a razor-sharp kiss, the only gentle touch he received anymore.

(Calum remembers refusing to focus on how much it hurt because he _deserved_ it. He remembers knowing how wrong it was for him to love dressing up and wearing makeup and looking pretty because, if it _wasn't_ a bad thing, why did everyone act like it was?)

Calum remembers when he met the first person who _didn't_ judge him on the soft things he liked.

He remembers how the new boy at school - a slightly older boy called Michael Clifford who got in trouble a lot and sneered at anyone who attempted to talk to him - had been given the seat next to Calum in chemistry one day.

Calum remembers how Michael gave him an appraising look, tilted his head to one side as he settled back in his seat, and asked: "Are you wearing makeup?" in a curious voice. Calum remembers how his cheeks flushed scarlet because _he had forgotten to take it off the night before_ and he remembers how realisation showed in Michael's eyes as he patted Calum's arm hesitantly.

"Like Eddie Izzard, right?" Calum remembers Michael joking and Calum's laugh was several octaves higher with relief as the teacher began to pass their worksheets out.

"Yeah," he remembers saying, a little breathless. "Yeah, maybe a little bit."

Calum remembers the bone-deep relief that spread through him when Michael got started on his work, keeping his head bowed as he spoke next.

"You're way cuter than him though," Michael had teased and Calum remembers how everything sort of became _normal_ after that, how they slowly became _friends_ and people stopped picking on Calum because Michael could be scary when he wanted to be, and _so_ sweet when he wasn't pretending to be someone he wasn't.

Calum remembers how, this one time, Michael bought Calum this _super_ soft pink vest, a pack of pretty flower hair clips, and a strawberry-flavoured sparkly lipgloss that his mum had helped him pick out for his birthday. Calum remembers realising that his best friend was the best person in the world, and he remembers being _stunned_ that Michael's mum didn't have a problem with him being the way he was.

Calum remembers that that was when he first started to doubt his parents. 

* 

Calum remembers how the scars on his wrists and thighs came to light one summer evening when they were both fifteen after Karen Clifford had let the boys have one beer each during a sleepover.

Calum remembers crying and hiding his face in his hands, and he remembers how Michael gently but firmly pulled his hands away, kissed the scars on his wrists (but not his thighs because " _dude, I don't swing that way_ "), and then offered to paint Calum's nails with this lilac coloured nail varnish that he'd got from _somewhere_. (Calum remembers suspecting that Karen might have helped him out with that.)

He remembers how things slowly started to get better after that, and how they _stayed_ better.

Calum's family still made rude comments or completely ignored him but, whenever that happened, Calum just texted or Skyped Michael, or Michael snuck out and Calum climbed out of his window and they walked on the beach all evening.

He remembers how Michael gave him hugs when he was sad and said that they were going to be best friends forever, and Calum remembers how that was still true, even when they met Luke Hemmings during secondary school.

Calum remembers not being sure about the tall blond boy at first, primarily because he was uncertain as to how Luke would react if he found out about Calum being... _different_. (Calum remembers Michael vehemently telling Calum that Luke was " _a nice guy! He'll love you, Callie_!" The younger boy remembers not being so sure about that, and deciding that maybe he'd just try to keep it a secret.)

Calum remembers how Luke found out anyway, during a sleepover at Michael's house.

Calum remembers how he had kept his hands hidden in the sleeves of his too-big grey jumper - he had spent _hours_ fretting over whether the outfit was _boyish_ enough that he wouldn't look suspicious - but that they must have slipped back at some point while they were watching Star Trek because Michael's eyes were suddenly _enormous_ as Luke's eyes flickered down to the pristine pink nail varnish on Calum's fingertips.

Calum remembers freezing as his cheeks flamed with embarrassment, and he remembers how Michael looked warily between the pair although he didn't rise, obviously deciding that Luke wasn't going to do anything. (Calum remembers how it upset him a lot that Michael even had to _worry_ about that because people could be dicks sometimes.)

Calum remembers how Luke added up two and two, and actually came up with the right answer. He remembers how Luke tapped him on the chin to get Calum to look up and then offered him a small smile. Calum remembers Luke softly saying: "Hey, that's a really pretty colour, Cal", before he went back to the movie.

Calum remembers the knowing look coupled with the relieved, cheerful smile on Michael's face, and the approving look he shot at Luke who blushed a bit, and Calum remembers smiling big and wide for the rest of the evening, and never feeling like he had to hide anything from his two best friends ever again.

* 

Calum remembers when Luke's YouTube channel came to light and they decided to start playing the instruments they'd tried when they were younger. Calum remembers being delighted that playing bass came so naturally to him, and he remembers being happier than he'd ever been when they booked their first gig in a seedy little pub that most people wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Calum remembers loving performing in front of a live audience more than he's ever loved almost _anything_ \- maybe even makeup and pretty clothes, although not as much as Michael and Luke - and Calum remembers the day that they realised they needed a drummer and Luke suggested his older friend Ashton Irwin, and Calum remembers how great a day that was.

He remembers deciding that he was going to be _proud_ of who he was from the very start, and not hide behind his band mates like he usually did - Michael and Luke had been so _pleased_ for him, Calum remembers with a fond smile - and it was with that attitude that Calum greeted the last potential member of their band that Michael had thought of a name for:  _5 Seconds Of Summer_.

Calum remembers how Ashton was so bright and _lovely_ , like sunshine personified. He remembers how the oldest boy had a head of caramel-coloured, _soft_ looking curls and these beautiful, wide hazel eyes.

Calum remembers swallowing reflexively and trying to ignore the stirring in his belly beneath the tight-fitting pink t-shirt he was wearing because _wow_ , he felt a bit creepy for having a crush on someone he barely knew. (Calum remembers how he later found out that Ash had felt exactly the same, and a smile still spreads across his face even now.)

Calum remembers how, over the coming months, he slowly started to _fall_ for Ashton, and Calum remembers writing a song about it one evening when everything was getting a bit much for him.

Calum remembers when he timidly sang the song to his bandmates, remembers Luke's impressed look and Michael's knowing expression, and the intense gaze that Ashton levelled at Calum as he licked his lips unconsciously. (Calum remembers licking those very same lips later that night when Ashton confronted him about it, and Calum remembers how Ashton gasped out his name and the way it sounded almost like a _prayer_ coming from his soft, _soft_ lips.)

Calum remembers how his song ' _Bad Dreams_ ' got an _amazing_ response and how proud Michael, Luke and Ashton were.

Calum remembers smiling so hard his face hurt.

He remembers that smile fading a little during a visit back home.

Calum remembers how it had already been agreed that he would meet Ashton's family _properly_ , now that he was Ash's boyfriend - Calum remembers how he got a thrill saying that, and he smiles because he still feels the same way now, years later - and it doesn't make him feel any less nervous because Ash had begged him to " _just be yourself, babe. They'll love you for sure_ ", and Calum remembers worrying so much about it that he felt sick.

Calum remembers the intense relief he felt when he realised that his worries were pointless.

He'd walked up to the front door with Ashton's hand held tightly in his, wearing the pretty, pale pink vest Michael had bought him along with a raspberry-flavoured lipgloss that Ash seemed to _really_ enjoy the taste of, if his frequent, hungry kisses were anything to go by.

Calum remembers fiddling with the pink vest anxiously and the way Ash gently caught his hand and stopped him, pointing obviously to his own t-shirt with a slight smirk on his face - it was a _My Little Pony_ shirt that Ash had " _worn as a show of solidarity_ ". Calum remembers not being entirely sure that Ash knew what that word _meant_ but appreciating the sentiment all the same, and he remembers the relief on Ash's face when Calum visibly relaxed.)

He remembers when Ash's mum opened the door, kissed Ashton on the cheek and hugged Calum like he was her long-lost son. Calum remembers being taken aback but pleased, especially when Ashton's sister Lauren informed Calum that his vest was " _a super pretty colour_ " and their little brother Harry gave Calum a long look, shrugged, grinned and then gave him a fist bump on his way past. (Calum remembers hiding his relieved, watery smile in Ashton's neck as the older boy hugged him tightly.)

Calum remembers when Ash's mum's eyes locked on his pearly pink nail varnish, and Calum remembers flinching a bit when she looked up at him with some hidden emotion in her eyes.

Calum remembers her saying kindly: "Oh, darling, _no_. Let _me_ do it for you instead. Who did it last time?" and Calum remembers relaxing and laughing in relief before he replied with a fond: "Michael" and Calum remembers the identical, gentle smiles on Ashton and his mum's faces (although there was also the hint of a smirk curling Ashton's soft lips, presumably because he could still remember the time _he_ had tried to paint Calum's nails for him and it had ended disastrously, if amusingly.)

Calum remembers how _nice_ that day was, how lovely and easy and simple. He remembers how everything felt a lot safer, more _natural_ , and he remembers realising that it was because the Irwins - _especially_ Ashton - were some of the sweetest, most laid-back, non-judgemental people Calum had ever met. 

* 

Calum remembers one particularly lovely day spent in the company of his very favourite Irwin.

He remembers how they spent most of the day in a park where no one recognised them beneath this really big, old oak tree. Calum remembers how Ash let him doodle flowers on the tanned, warm, _soft_ skin of his muscular arms while they talked about anything and everything they could think of.

Calum remembers how Ash idly made Calum a flower crown out of daisies while they talked, and Calum remembers feeding Ash strawberries while the older boy finally finished the crown, setting it atop Calum's dark hair with a proud smile.

Calum remembers how Ashton told him: "You look like a princess, Cal. Really beautiful", and even though Calum was pretty sure that wasn't true, he couldn't help the smile that was spreading slowly across his face at his boyfriend's words (and he wasn't sure he wanted to stop it anyway).

Calum remembers shuffling forwards and planting a gentle kiss on the end of Ashton's nose, and he remembers how Ash smiled sweetly, ducking his head so that his hair fell forwards into his eyes. Calum remembers how, timidly, he began to run his fingers through Ash's caramel-coloured curls, and the gentle, comforting humming sound that escaped Ashton as Calum's fingers stroked and petted.

"Soft," Calum remembers murmuring with sweet pleasure, and he remembers how Ash's lips against his own were just as soft as he kissed all of Calum's worries away. 

* 

Calum remembers this one time where everyone in his house was out and Ashton was lying with him on the bed. Calum remembers how the sounds of kissing and the soft moans were the only noises that could be heard in the room besides the quiet Fall Out Boy song playing on the radio.

Calum remembers how the pillow beneath his head slipped and the soft, furry material of Mali's old jacket brushed Calum's cheek, and he remembers how the underwear he was wearing was satiny and pink and beautiful and, most importantly, _his_ , and he remembers the adoration in Ashton's eyes as he gazed at the younger boy.

Calum remembers how every single touch was nothing short of _reverent_ , and he remembers how Ash called him: "Princess" and Calum honest-to-god had to fight back tears because he was  _determined_ not to be one of those ' _I-cry-during-sex_ ' people.

He remembers how Ash smiled softly, almost like he _knew_ what Calum was thinking, and Calum remembers how Ash slid down, down, _down_ to take Calum gently into his mouth, and Calum remembers stopping thinking altogether then because the pleasure was _far_ too much for one person, and no one had ever touched him like that before.

(Calum remembers sloppily returning the favour afterwards, and he remembers the love shining in Ashton Irwin's eyes as he pulled Calum gently into another, deeper kiss).

Calum remembers how that moment was when he knew things were going to be okay after all.

With Ashton, things always were.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought as I'm _really_ not sure about this fic, and I'm feeling needy...  
>  Thank you!  
> P.S. AO3 user AwsomestPersonAlive suggested listening to "Don't Let Me Go" by the Summer Set and _WOW_ were they right! You could give it a try if you wanted :)


End file.
